Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday Madness with Maddy Rose

This year I've been introduced to a little show. A little show called The Bachelor. For years I refused to watch such a ridiculous spectacle of fake romance and fake body parts, ABC-sponsored dates, and unrealistic fairytale plots. Luckily, I had a friend who assured me that if you approached viewing it as a broad comedy (pun intended), there could be much laughter and amusement. Oh boy, was she correct. She also happens to be a Bachelor expert, second only to Chris Harrison. So for the final few episodes of this season, my Guest Blogger, Maddy Rose, will be giving her insight, jotted down in log form. This first entry is from last Monday's episode, but I promise to be more timely with the final two.
Brad, the Bachelor: Contemplating

Take it away, Maddy Rose:


Bachelor Brad... what, oh what will happen tonight?

HOUR ONE

The hat.  Wow, the hat.

“Go into the bush”... a preview of things to come on fantasy suite night?

I can’t believe the woman who slapped Brad is in the final three.

Chantel took her bikini top off and rolled in sand.  Is there any way she wouldn’t say yes to the fantasy suite and casual sex?

Are they gonna do it in a tree house?!?!  That’s just weird.

I still can’t believe they are in a tree house.  Seriously?

Commercial Break... Does anyone still watch Desperate Housewives?

“Last night was incredible”, now I’m gonna go bang another girl.  I rock.

Was he counting the seconds to seeing Emily while in the tree house last night?

No, Emily, a lion won’t come eat you when there is an entire ABC camera crew two feet away.

I want to ride an elephant!

Sorry Brad, I don’t think you really want Little Ricky on the fantasy suite date.

That was a loooooong pause on the five-year-old question.

So glad he left the hat at home for date number two.  Emily doesn’t know how lucky she is.

Does anyone think the Android commercial with the crazy girl in the tree who just went on a date with “Brad” looks just like Michelle?  Intentional?  Perhaps.

Holy commercials, Batman.  Sheesh!

He LOVES Emily.

Nothing screams African Safari like a sequined black micro-mini skirt.

Why does he look bored/ in pain?

Fantasy suite time decision for Emily!  The moment the ABC producers have been waiting for.

Brad: a good example, so does that mean no sex?

She loves him, why can’t he look at her?!  Very uncomfortable. 

That’s why... he just totally broke Bachelor code with the L-word.  Where is Chris Harrison with the official Bachelor Rule Book?!?!

There is NO way he picks anyone but Emily.

Man I love this show.  Oh, sweet ridiculousness...

HOUR TWO

Yes, 20 minutes of actual content stretched into two glorious hours of pondering life, looking back on past dates, and intently gazing out of airplane windows.

How can they still keep labeling Ashley as a “Dentist” after last week when her dad blew the whistle on her incomplete studies?!

Ashley is kind of obnoxious.

Why is she running away from the helicopter like a four-year-old.

“It’s like so small, though!”  So are you, honey, so are you.

Can someone put a gag on her, please?  Just until the end of the date?

“I don’t know if I could have done it without Brad”.  Of course you couldn’t.  Or ABC.  They’re footing the bill.

No it’s not real life.  It’s a television show, Ash.

How can you “really want” a relationship with Ashley when you told a certain blonde mommy you were falling in love with her 12 hours ago?  This show totally works!

Why is she telling him she wants to live in Maine?  He is insisting his wife be in Austin.  Does she not know how this show works?  You tell him what he wants to hear in order to win the game!

Aaaaaand, the wheels are falling off.

“Jelly beans, ah man, you’re making me think”.  Someone please put that quote on a poster.

Am I the only one who could care less about the Dancing With the Stars cast?!?  I think so.

Who the eff is Chelsea Kane?!

“I don’t expect you to be Superwoman”.  Nope, barefoot and pregnant in Austin will do.

These two are a train wreck together.

Can he send her home on the fantasy suite date?!?  Again, where is Chris Harrison and that rule book?

Okay, now I like her a little more.  Yeah, he IS the guy that just wants someone to fit into his life.  Go Ash!

Chantel is watching these dates thinking, “why the hell did I get stuck with the tree house?!”

Most. Awkward. Fantasy. Suite. Date. Ever.

Sorry, ABC, Ashley is going home.  No dramatically edited “coming up” sequence will make us believe otherwise.

That back tattoo is getting on my nerves.

SO glad they brought the pictures to South Africa.  How else would he remember who he’s choosing between?!

Oh, Chris, look at you trying to convince Brad he has a tough decision to make.

How tall are Emily’s heels?!?!

Ashley looks pissed and she hasn’t even been rejected yet.

It’s not bad miscommunication, it’s a woman giving you answers you don’t want to hear.

Woah!  We’re just breaking all sorts of Bachelor rules on this episode.  Paging Chris Harrison...

“What’s wrong with you?”  Ah, gee, you just dumped her for not wanting to give up her life to be with you.  Hmm, I wonder.

Those cuff links must really be bothering him.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bachelorette?

And this cast pretty much sums up why I don’t watch Dancing With the Stars.

Why do all Bachelors now need to have dramatic moments leaning over railings?

Is he handing out these roses in alphabetical order?  And did he just call Chantel “baby”?

Cape Town is the ONLY city anyone has ever heard of in South Africa, so yeah, Chantel, you totally knew it.


* * *
Thanks, MR. Incidentally, the Bachelor does provide great advertisement for tourism in the exotic and beautiful locations they film at. I mentioned to MR how now Anguilla and South Africa will be the top travel destinations for many, especially the honeymooning crowd. Sure enough, the next day TravelZoo.com had this item included in their Top 20:

$2999 -- South Africa Luxury 'Bachelor' Safari Package w/Air
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/79739577-985287/
Source: Lion World Tours

Just so you know, dear romantics, hippos are very angry and nasty creatures:
Bachelor Hippo that did not get paid as an extra.
He's PISSED.

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